Thursday, March 30, 2006

CNN Breaking News

We signed up for CNN Breaking News email years and years ago. It was probably right around the time the Supreme Court was appointing George W. Bush the winner in the 2000 election. We were glued to the news those days. Over the years CNN has abused its privilege of breaking news to us. They send us ridiculous stories about things that are shockingly unimportant. Still, whenever we get a CNN Breaking News email, even relatively interesting ones, like the one above, I always have the same expectation. I think I'm going to see the headline of my dreams:
There are variations on that headline. Usually, he's dead. He's choked on a pretzel. His plane has crashed. He's fallen off his bicycle into a vat of body crushing jello. I don't know. It's a CNN headline after all.

There are some CNN breaking news headlines that we really want to see.

1. George W Bush has... (you fill in the blank with your own heart's desire)

2. Dick Cheney finally succumbs to a heart attack. Some doctors argue that the Vice President never really had a heart to begin with. Autopsies are inconclusive and quickly classified.

3. Mars invades, pandemonium ensues. Some scientists still say that UFOs do not exist.

4. Peace breaks out in the world. Some world leaders are dismayed, while others rejoice.

5. Earth worship replaces the world's three big religions as the planet descends into environmental turmoil. Some scientists still argue that global warming is not responsible.

6. Half the world's population disappears. Crews are searching the Bermuda Triangle, while religious leaders wonder if it is the rapture, and they've been left behind.

7. Stunning breakthroughs in medicine. Healthcare for all-- simply and easily. Some insurance industry execs leap from tall buildings.

8. For one amazing day all of the earth's animals talk. A wildlife summit is called and presided over by two horses. A moratorium on all hunting and meat eating is declared. A haunting song emanates from the summit and all the world weeps together. Click here to see the horses.

9. Humans discover that they all have the same needs and desires. "Citizens of the world" declared for all earth's survivors.

10. Al Gore is President. In a stunning a do-over from 2000, things are finally set right.

Then sometimes, the news actually gives us the real photo and headline. Scalia says, "Vaffanculo!"

What is your fantasy CNN Breaking News Headline?

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